your text here
Dearest vice-commander toshi,
This letter will never reach you, yet im writing it. Maybe its for my own satisfaction and selfish reasons. Im a selfish man after all. Ive pondered all day, everyday, for the past few weeks. Ive been bottling up these…feeling, these emotions, these desires inside me. I thought that if i kept them in, kept them hidden in the most deepest, darkest corners of my heart, they will disapper. That these things that im feeling and experiencing will disappear and it’ll be like there was nothing at all, ever.
I was gravely mistaken… Ive been suffering. Knowingly or unknowingly, ive been torturing myself. Ive been killing all these hopes and dreams, hopes and dreams that i might, even if just for a split second, be able to hold onto you…
Hope. what a stupid thing, pathetic. ive never really had a reason to hope for anything in this long, wretched life ive lived. Yet you…ugh, Gin-san is so uncool right now. But i just couldnt. I just cant. I cant help but grasp on that thin strand of hope. It feels like the silver soul is disappearing. Or rather im killing it. By denying it, denying myself.
Denying myself even that thinnest bit of hope, letting it die along with my soul. Yet you somehow…
[splattered sake caused the ink to melt and smudge]
Last night i drank until i couldn't.
Grateful for the spilled sake.
Almost bumped with the vice-commander but he was distracted…maybe i too was.
The days feel endless and the night too short.
Scratch that, night is longer too.
Havent seen him for a week. Who would want to anyway.
Sougo stopped me today. Vice commander was angry at him so he came to yorozuya. Is that guy ever not mad?
Kagura said i look listless, what does that even mean? Im my usual self dammit. How does a little girl like her know all this?
otae chan said the same as kagura…
He saw me. Never mind he wouldnt. It was only me
Its been raining for the last 2 days so i stayed home. Kagura went out nonetheless. Shinsengumi caught some faction members, do they never take a break?
Its still raining.
Im so bored im writing during the day, i feel jobless but im the president of a company!
I thought he was in front of the pachinko. It wasnt him. I didn't go in anyway.
Am i —---
ignore previous entry, i was drunk.
Gorilla requested for a job.
Personal matters he wouldnt want any shinsengumi, or rather him to know.
He lost his police ID, it was with Jimmy-zaki, what a dork.
i made sure kondou treated me to 2 perfaits, job or not. Said he found out about the job offer. Why does he care?! It my business dammit!
I feel miserable Im bloated [ crumpled newspaper article]
Mayonnaise was on sale today.
Disgusting.
Zura came today looking for elizabeth. Bad omen. I smell disaster. It was disastrous, just as i expected. Zura took my umbrella. I only had one.
Its raining again, is this some amanto thing?!
Ketsuno Ana said it would be sunny this afternoon.
The pachinko reeked of cigerette smoke today. Thought of him against my willi i couldnt breath. The manager offered a free perfait.
kagura stole my wallet to buy magazine. Shinpachi forgot to walk sadaharu. oh, to be young again.
Scratch that im still young ok?!
He stopped by old hag Otose’s.
It was raining.
I went to the park.
I caught a cold yesterday. My head feels like someone hit me with a bazooka. The starwberry milk tasted like curses and hate. It hasnt stopped raining.
[entry removed]
Couldnt write yesterday
Kagura asked why i looked like ive been dumped.
Seriously whats wrong with these kids?!
[single piece of article]
Rain again
Caught yamazaki spying on some group.
He looked like his life was on the line.
Said vice-commander threaten him.
Its been a month
This time we really made eye contact
His hand was wrapped in bandages.
Maybe dog bit him. not that i care.
Dear hijikata, Do you hate rain? Are you avoiding m—-[entr shredded]
Cant sleep
Ive been fogging for night walks.
[torn image with arms visible]
Didn't see him any shinsengumi today
It stopped raining
Yamazaki and sougo passed by the house.
Sougo looked at me strange
Been looking for the notebook for 2 hours.
hid it nside the tatami
My chest hurts.
It hasnt rained in 3 days. I dont feel relieved.
His boots had mud on it